How Not to Write a Blog

It’s a good idea that, when you’re writing a blog with the intent of imparting wisdom, opinion, ideas, creating a following or simply rambling in public, you actually get down to work and write the damn thing every once-in-a-while. This is an area in which I’ve been falling down of late — I think it’s been almost a month since my last post.

Please, accept my apologies, dear faithful reader (whoever and where ever you are).

This process I’ve been following has made me realize there are a few key things one can do in order to not write a succesful blog, so here is my recipe for non-success:

1. Leave it until the last minute.

Why not pretend you’re back in school, Bruce, and leave that homework assignment until 10pm the night before it’s due? It worked in high school. You graduated, got decent marks, people understand what you’re saying when words spill forth from your mouth, so that must be the choice smart people make. I think I heard Einstein was up until like four in the morning thinking up the theory of relativity the morning it was due.

2. Do it all at once.

Only lazy people would write a little bit here and a little bit there. Why take a few minutes at a time when you can save it up, do it all at once so it kills off a couple hours of otherwise productive time that you can’t afford to lose, making you put it off even longer? Good thinking.

3. Don’t research anything in advance.

If you do all your research as you write, you can take an hour-long job and stretch it out to several hours as you surf the internet and get distracted by every interesting article you find. Kind of like my cat chasing the sun reflecting off my watch. Meow.

4. When you do try something new and write a partial draft, make sure it’s relevant only for a week or so, then don’t go back to it until two weeks later and turf it because it’s no longer relevant.

Self explanatory. Anyone want to read my half-written blog about June’s riot in Vancouver?

5. Don’t think about blogging at all unless you’re doing it.

There are so many interesting things to do — watch dust collect on the surface of a glass of water, count the pennies in my dijon-mustard-jar-turned-piggie-bank, chew a hangnail, watch a documentary about snail sex. Why would I want to be distracted by advancing my writing career? Let’s not be silly.

I’m sure there are multitude more ways not to write a blog I haven’t yet thought of (how about writing it in a language you don’t know? That might waste a lot of time). If anyone else thinks of some, let me know, I’d be more than happy to give them a try for you.

In the meantime, I’m going to attempt something crazy and do the opposite of all these things for a while. Stick with me for a bit and let me know what you think.

One thought on “How Not to Write a Blog

  1. This was entertaining and definitely something I can relate to! Words to live by, for sure. I am now adding your blog to my RSS feed, and I look forward to seeing a real live book for the real live Kindle written by a real live person whom I know in real life. (Who? Whom? Whom…) I’m pleased to have met you, Real Live Person. 🙂 Write on.

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