For those of you who are regular followers of my irregular blog, you are aware that I tend to lean toward writerly subjects. Often you will find me posting about doing promo, or the craft of writing, or my journey along the self-publishing path. Occasionally, I throw in a post about my kids when they do something I’m particularly proud of, or a guest post from another writer. I try my best to stay away from rants, even knowing they might likely get me a larger blog readership, but I don’t like to be negative if I can avoid it.

For this post, I’m going to change that, but I’m going to try to hide it. Rather than an outright rant, I’ve decided to introduce a couple of new words to the popular vernacular to put across my views on a couple of issues. Perhaps I will start a new trend and one of my words will end up in some cool, hip TV show or movie. Or perhaps not.

Word #1: Textupidity

From- text (verb): to send a text message from one cell phone to another, and Stupidity (noun): 1. the quality or state of being stupid 2. a stupid idea or act

Textupidity (noun): engaging in text messaging at a time any moron could see is not the right time to be doing so.

I’m not talking about texting while your boss is giving a presentation or during your nephew’s bris–not smart, but there are worse times.

USMC-111104-M-YP696-003I don’t know about everyone else, but where I live in picturesque Victoria, BC, Canada, it is illegal to talk on your cell phone without a hands-free system while you are driving.  At the time they introduced this law, I debated with myself about whether it was necessary or not, but in the long run, I’ll concede it’s safer for all of us. But what kind of idiot does it take to imagine for a second that texting while driving is a suitable alternative? Isn’t part of the point of texting that it’s less obtrusive?  You know what? You don’t have to respond to that text right away. You could…I don’t know…pull the fuck over somewhere first!

What’s mind-boggling about this is that is not just a once-in-a-while occurrence. It’s to the point that, if I don’t notice two or three people driving and texting in any given day, I think there’s something wrong. Do these people text at other equally unsuitable times? While downhill skiing? In the middle of performing brain surgery? When they should be reading one of my books? Shame on them.

Word #2: Dietribe

From- Diet (verb): to eat sparingly or according to prescribed rules, and Diatribe (noun): a bitter and abusive speech or piece of writing.

Dietribe (noun): a bitter and abusive speech or piece of writing produced by someone while hangry (that’s hungry and angry, for those of you not up-to-date on the lingo) from being

photo by tiffanywashko on FlickrI've actually been imbibing spinach milkshakes
photo by tiffanywashko on Flickr
I’ve actually been imbibing spinach milkshakes

on a diet.

Strictly speaking, I’m not on a diet…I am doing a cleanse. That’s what men call it when they’re on a diet. That, or a detox. Or a fast…anything but a diet.

For the last five days, I’ve had almost nothing to eat but smoothies and, while that might sound kind of fun, my caloric intake is about half of what it normally is. I’m not sure I can

remember what meat tastes like, but if you need me to describe the flavour of raspberries, apples or (God forbid) kale in intricate detail–I’m your man. Apparently this is supposed to reset my metabolism, and that’s a good idea because it turns out the life of a full-time writer involves a good deal of sitting. I probably don’t have to tell you what happens to a man in his mid-forties who does too much sitting and not enough anything else…yes, he gets a lot of writing done, but that’s not what I meant.

So here I am, looking forward to tomorrow when I finally get to eat an actual meal again (only one, though, and it’s another five days before I get to have two meals in the same day) and feeling hungry and grouchy…hangry. And being hangry leads to a dietribe about textupidity.

Have you made up any interesting words lately? Share them with the class, won’t you.

9 thoughts on “Textupidity/Dietribe

  1. Do go on, then. What’s kale like? I only ever ate it when we were on a holiday to Portugal (they have it with everything there – you can’t order anything in a restaurant and have it arrive without an accompanying dish of kale) and even then I didn’t get to taste it, because it was floating in oil and also overpowered by an equal quantity of garlic. 🙂

    1. The kale smoothie actually didn’t taste too bad…it also had mango, so it was sweet. Problem was, the kale doesn’t blend that well, so it was kind of chunky. And I won’t mention any of the side effects of eating all that shrubbery…

  2. Loved the rant. I start my detox next week (do it every 2 months and at the time it sucks but results are good) – hubby does it and drops 10lbs (hate him) and I’m lucky if I drop 2 lbs. He’s at crossfit now, I’m finishing a YA synopsis…so that says it all. I hit the gym 3 times a week and love to row like crazy and I’m hating the snow here. Texting/talking on the phone driving – it’s an accident waiting to happen.

    1. My wife complains about the same thing but, as I get older and stay seated a lot more, I’ve got to keep on top of it. Thanks for reading! (PS – sunny and 15 degrees in Victoria today…no snow at all this winter).

  3. Driving down US 30 from IN to IL everyday to work, my husband and I constantly see people texting. Now if they could do it and drive, say the speed limit or above, all would be fine and dandy. But when you have an hour commute one way and everybody is driving slower than molasses because they are talking or texting, it makes you want to plow them off the road! There, I feel better.

    Detox? Don’t starve yourself. Just cut down on fats and calorie intake and do some exercises between chapters.

    1. As I was walking to the coffee shop this morning, I saw two drivers in a row texting. Unfortunately, I didn’t have anything to throw at them.
      As for the detox, its about resetting your metabolism. The first five days were all nutritionally balanced smoothies, so I’m technically not starving myself…though my stomach does not necessarily agree with that assessment.

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