It’s a tough world out there in the land of online dating, for both men and for women. As I have referenced in a previous post, the experience is completely different for both, and both come with their challenges. Because I am a man, and because I believe how men act can make a world of difference to the experiences of all genders, this brief guide is directed toward men seeking women.
I should preface this post by saying that I have been on and off online dating for three years or more and I am currently single, so read into that what you will. It could be taken that I have a good deal of experience with it and lots of knowledge to pass along, or that I have failed miserably…your choice. I have met some great people, I’m happy to report I’ve made some wonderful friends, and I’ve never been arrested for anything related to online dating or had anyone consider a restraining order. I’d say those things alone make me more successful than many.
So here we go: A Man’s Guide to Online Dating.
The Beginning – your first message.
For starters, write that first message as though your mother is going to read it. Or your
boss, your teacher…anyone you respect because, if you’re not treating a woman you’re interested in through online dating with respect, why the fuck would you expect her to want to date you? Shouldn’t you be treating all women with respect all the time, anyway, fucknut? Don’t talk about your dick, how good you are at the sex, make witty comments about “eating at the Y,” or anything else that makes you look like a douchecanoe. Frankly, I don’t care if you come off as a social halfwit–if that’s your strategy, you don’t deserve a date–but how you act reflects on the rest of us. Not only do your moments of anonymous keyboard idiocy give women reason to be wary of men but…what the fuck? Show some respect and maturity.
So what should you write in your message? The first thing is to read your prospective message recipient’s full profile because…know what?…the shit they write will give you ideas what to say. And if you take the time, you’ll also find that about 50% of women will even do you the favour of telling you not to start off with “hi,” “hey there,” “how you doing?” or anything else so obviously useless and thoughtless. Did you guys know that it’s not unusual for a woman to plant a word in her profile that she then asks you to use in your message so she knows you read it? If you didn’t know, give your head a shake.
What else? How about something about yourself? Again, not about your dick or your imagined sexual prowess, but you…the real you. Of course you love the outdoors, sports, cars, and beer–the obvious guy stuff–so how about trying something different? Something that makes you, well, you. I can’t tell you what that is, dude, that’s something you have to figure out yourself. I mention that I’m a father of two, that I love animals and drive an electric car because I’m concerned about the environment, that I write novels, and that I always try to be conscious of my place in the world. You can borrow mine if you want but, if they’re not true, they’ll figure it out sooner or later (just like they’ll figure out you lied about your age, height, weight, and sexual prowess). Eventually, they’ll find my books online, see my picture, and realize that’s not the person they were chatting with because, let’s face it, I’m better looking than you. Deal with it.
Many of the dating sites will also tell you to use a compliment–people love that.
While that is true, please choose carefully. DO NOT go with words like beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, and the like as your compliment. This isn’t an online dating lesson, this is a life lesson. Is she funny? Well-spoken? Successful? A woman is more than how she looks and, if you want to be different from all the other assholes who didn’t bother to read her profile and went straight to commenting about her face or body, learn that a person is more than the sum of their exterior parts. We don’t live in a beer commercial, for fuck’s sake.
- be respectful
- no sex or penis talk
- comment on something in her profile
- say something about yourself that’s interesting and not sex- or penis-related
- compliment her on something that is not a physical attribute
The Response…Or Not
As I mentioned in my post “Men Are From Bars, Women Don’t Want to See Your Penis,” there are five potential outcomes to sending a message.
- they read it and reply…success!
- they read it and don’t reply…success?
- your message is read and deleted…not success.
- your message is unread and deleted…not success.
- your message remains unread until, in some dystopian future, the internet ceases to exist…not success?
Different results obviously demand different reactions. If number one has occurred, you can skip forward to the section of part two of A Man’s Guide to Online Dating titled “Follow Up Messages.”
If you have experienced number two, be patient. Don’t send more messages, don’t be a nag and, above all else, do not in any way think it is your right to have this or any woman respond to you…ever. No one owes you anything because you took two minutes out of your day to craft that clever dive into the human psyche…”hey there, beautiful.” If she responds after a time, great! If not, move the fuck along, there’s nothing to see here.
Numbers three and four should be obvious: she’s not interested, so go back to the last sentence of the preceding paragraph and read it, then do as it says. Do not ask for explanations, do not beg, and for god’s sake, do not send an angry, degrading message about how stupid they are for not seeing your value and hotness. Firstly, that just proves you the idiot they may have already thought you to be but, second and most importantly, grow the fuck up. If you have ever sent a message to a woman which included any word such as bitch, whore, slut, cunt, or a multitude of others, someone should drop by, take away your internet privileges, and slap that thought right out of your head. (Disclaimer: before anyone takes a moment to call me out, there have been times in my past where I have used such words, likely in anger, and sometimes even directed toward people I loved. I am deeply regretful of these choices and actions and work very hard every day to be a different and better person).
And the toughest result…number 5.
Did she glance at your tiny little picture–likely a shirtless bathroom selfie of yourself
holding a fish on a motorcycle–and deem you too hideous to even take the effort to delete your message, never mind read it? Or did so many messages pile up that yours is lost like a back country skier at the bottom of an avalanche? Impossible to tell, and impossible to know exactly how to move forward. Proceed with caution. The best course of action here is, again, to be patient. I know, it’s a virtue, and you guys are probably more interested in sins, but it’s something you’re going to have to learn sooner or later, anyway, so it may as well be now. Give it some time. If days go by and you can see she’s been online and your message remains unread, you can try another one. That message should not read anything like “why the fuck aren’t you reading my message?” How about a polite “I sent a message, hope you get a chance to see it as I’d like to find out more about you.”
If a second message yields the same result…time to move on. After all, there are apparently plenty of other fish in the sea. Wait, that gives me an idea for an online dating site…
Okay, this ran longer than expected, so you’ll have to pop along to A Man’s Guide to Online Dating Part 2 for more.
Gentlemen, let me know your thoughts on the above. Ladies, please let me know if I misspoke or missed anything.
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